My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
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Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Jurassic park gets weird
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*