[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
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When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing