My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
You Might Also Like
Every time my phone rings
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah