Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
You Might Also Like
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
men are simple creatures
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.