Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
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i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.