Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
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Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.