I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
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*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
i prefer mine room temperature.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”