me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
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doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Spa day..😅
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.