see you in hell you stupid fruit
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[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.