gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
You Might Also Like
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Me too 😆
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Has there ever been a more American story?
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.