[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
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I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
HR said no more nunchucks.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.