People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
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El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.