First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
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If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.