Finally! 😈
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Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do