When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
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Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.