Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
You Might Also Like
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.