me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
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My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Am I having a stroke?
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Had to try this trend 😊