Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
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Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
The morning after pill, but for tweets
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.