Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
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I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie