Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
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I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?