*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
You Might Also Like
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.