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I feel attacked.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
he’s doing your taxes
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Only Americans understand
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?