The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
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theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
My inexpensive home security system…
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.