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Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Lol #dogsoftwitter
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
CUTE CAT‼︎
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired