I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
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Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
I need to update my racial profile.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Monday
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack