soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
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Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.