‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
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Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”