I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
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People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.