“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
You Might Also Like
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
I think this should do it.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
I’ve had worse
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB