*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
You Might Also Like
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion