Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
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[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Gods work.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.