If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
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I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse