[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
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If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
just pretend nothing happened
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough