Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
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My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
I was bored.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?