I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
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Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
dutch is not a serious language
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Breaking news:
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.