*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
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I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I love twitter
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!