Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
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NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.