doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
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You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best