When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
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ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
I just ran a .003048K
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti