Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
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*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
How to draw a duck
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.