Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
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Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
If you are reading this then you are reading this
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.