I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
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A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
ok this is my dumbest yet
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
the greatest twitter interaction
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.