If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
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I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.