People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
You Might Also Like
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast