My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
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You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
is this store having a stroke wtf
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.