I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
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My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Squirrels before girls.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.