I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
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Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.