“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
You Might Also Like
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Never ghost your hitman.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
WTF IS THAT!
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART