I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
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Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
#TopTip
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
The sacred texts.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO