If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
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Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.